On Love and Singleness Pt. 1

Factoring in the two weddings* I attended this past weekend, my current count for the year is at six, with two more to go.

Eight weddings this year.  That number seems about right—I am turning 30 this Saturday and my peers are at that age.

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Several Thanksgivings and Christmases have passed since my aunties first started badgering me about bringing somebody home. I think they finally caught wind that it wasn't happening and for the past couple years the topic hasn't been brought up again.

But then, earlier this year, my mother suggested that I go to the Philippines to hopefully find my Prince Charming. Then, she proceeded to ask me if I was a lesbian because my one of my aunties thought so.

"That's why she's single."

And If I was, so what? It's not the reason I'm single.  This is the narrative you have been feeding me since I was a child:

"Ang taba mo." "If you lost weight you would be prettier than your cousins in the Philippines." "What are you wearing?" "Stop wearing basketball shoes." "Wear heels." "Your skin is rough." "Why do you walk like that?" "Grow your hair longer." "Who's going to love you?"

You pair what my family said above with the all the bullying that I endured in K-8 and you end up with somebody very aware of their personal issues: I have negative body image, plus low self-esteem, etc etc *insert PSY BEH 9 lecture here*

I'm pretty sure this is why I have such a great sense of humor. It's a defense mechanism. I need to be in control of the jokes, not be the joke itself.

I've accepted that these are my family's cultural values. I am an unmarried woman teetering towards the closing of my window of value. I don't blame them, this is how they were raised, and this is how they relate to me to make sure that my future is set.

I have come a long way in learning to love myself, but I have so much to learn about allowing myself to be loved by someone else.

There is no resolution to this post because this will be an on-going series. Good night.

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*Congratulations to my girl, Jillian, and her little sando boy, Raphael, for celebrating the sacrament of matrimony (love you both so much).  Secondly, shoutout to my co-worker, Erika, and her boo, Johnny, for also tying the knot and inviting me to dance cumbia all night long. I'm happy for you all!